Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.