Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
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The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.