Monday Lisa
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I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”