Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

I have so many questions.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing