Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

I only look at Wordle for the articles

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

I love the National Park Service.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.