Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
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When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.