Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
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If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
i feel so bad i refunded him
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn