Monday
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STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
The happy life.. 😊
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters