Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

Doug is just Canadian for dog

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.