Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.