Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV