mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
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[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
No one can handle that
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.