Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

this is 10/10 content no notes

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there