Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??