Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
they really do be looking like this
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.