Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
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Always leave the cult better than you found it.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
#ParentingFacts
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
me in a relationship:
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED