Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
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Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Rude much 😂😂😂
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Cat.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.