Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
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United Steaks of America
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
That earthquake could have been an email.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me