Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
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Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Am getting real tired of your crap…
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Better luck next time champ
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.