Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
okay run it by me one more time
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
grandpa was shocked
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair