Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

It do be feeling this way.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

Bruh PLEASE

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.