‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
You Might Also Like
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow