‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
You Might Also Like
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
*names my little horse OneTrick*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote