“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
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Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.