“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
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I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop