“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
You Might Also Like
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Vodka burrito was a success
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me