Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
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Me trying to “trust the process”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend