Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
some things should go without saying
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change