Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did