Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
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If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell