Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good