@ComicLover_94

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

@rancheroni

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

@AndrewsNotFunny

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

@PaperWash

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

@DaddyJew

7: I failed my test

Me: you tried your best

7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything

Me: happens to the best of us

@chuuew

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

@Home_Halfway

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

@bIondiewasabi

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

@adamgreattweet

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze