Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
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“OMGJK” -atheists
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed