Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
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football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
7: I failed my test
Me: you tried your best
7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything
Me: happens to the best of us
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze