Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

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Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no


football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this


*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art


Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!


7: I failed my test

Me: you tried your best

7: I got distracted by a dog outside and rushed everything

Me: happens to the best of us


Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing


Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”


twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.


Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.


Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze