Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
You Might Also Like
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.