Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
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I like donuts.
Twitter:
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
#Caturday
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Suuuuure
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step