@FloodyHippie: Money doesn't impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
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@smithsara79: Me: *gets up to go pee* My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
@bourgeoisalien: First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop...laugh harder. This is good advice
@AndyAsAdjective: 8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs? ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
@IvoryGazelle: [after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom] Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast the antelopes: wait, the what now?