Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
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The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?