@FloodyHippie

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

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@AnkCoupleTO

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

@2tonbug

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

@nickthune

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

@BradBroaddus

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

@kDuncanG

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

@yerpalmildsauce

WIFE: How was the first day of space command?
ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said “laser beans.”

@JelianMercado

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

@jonnysun

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

@Phook75

They advertise unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. But I can personally attest that after 9 days Olive Garden asks you to leave.