Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
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Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Cold.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”