Money is the root of all wealth
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ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge