Money is the root of all wealth
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Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues