Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

Respect

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.