Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.