Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
You Might Also Like
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
