Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

new dr. seuss book dropping:

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.