money maker
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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I don’t know what to do
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The human personality is made of five key elements
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I came this close!!!!
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.