Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
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Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
same bro
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.