Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
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How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Always 🥴
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
These aliens are taking forever.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote