Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field