Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
You Might Also Like
*pronounces patio like ratio
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Weirdos gonna weird.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I love wikipedia
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
