Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Thanks to a fan for this one.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.