Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

Time heals everything 🙂

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*