Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
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*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.