Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
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“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
thats my bad
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure