Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You Might Also Like
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Snapes on a plane.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro