Monica just destroyed the internet
You Might Also Like
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over