Monica just destroyed the internet
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me at the job i begged god for
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”