Monica just destroyed the internet
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6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Hard not to take this personally
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge