monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
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CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome