“Wait, let me explain..”
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FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
OH. COME. ON.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES