Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
You Might Also Like
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Saw your ex at the shops
I can’t be the only one 😂
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”