Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
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I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
🤣😂🤣😂
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks