Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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Any refunds available?…
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
✌🏽
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Noah was an idiot.
