Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
No one can handle that
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.