Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Mistakes were made
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I fixed it. For me
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter