Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life