Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Challenge accepted.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’