Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

this came to me in a vision

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.