Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
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sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
How to walk around a museum
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying