Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
You Might Also Like
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Spring cleaning checklist…
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
🤝
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!