Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
TWEET CALL
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COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Sunday
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.