Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
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Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Feel. He’s so soft.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
⛄️
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.