Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog